There are many reasons a discussion with your partner can escalate into a heated argument. Certainly, the words you choose can be problematic, but we don’t only communicate with language. Our faces, our bodies, and our tone of voice also convey a lot of information. In fact, we might be saying loving words but if our facial expression shows anger, that is usually the message received. Let’s look at a few examples.
Facial Expressions
Many of my clients have underestimated the power of their facial expressions when speaking with their partners. A relaxed face, an interested gaze, and a warm smile convey an openness and desire to keep the conversation going. On the flip side, eye rolling, jaw clenching, or glaring eyes, project contempt or anger and will likely shut the discussion down or provoke an argument, even if the words used seem benign.
Body Language
Our bodies also communicate a lot about how we’re feeling. And you can be sure that your partner is observing what your body is saying as much as your words. Imagine your partner is trying to speak to you about something important, but sees you turn your body away from them or watches as you cross your arms tightly across your body. What message might your partner be receiving from both these examples? There’s a pretty good chance the message is that you’re not emotionally available to them.
Tone of Voice
Our voices convey so much information. When we speak to our partner calmly and with a warm, soft tone, he/she will likely feel that you care about them, are interested in what they’re saying, and overall, just have good feelings about them. The converse is also true. When we speak with a brusque tone, raise the pitch of our voice, or exude sarcasm, it’s highly likely that your significant other will feel belittled or attacked. In response, your partner might emotionally shut down, go on the attack, or just decide not to engage with you at all.
Our Words
Of course, the words we use matter a lot too. If you use language that puts your partner down, use a word or phrase that you know is triggering to them, or use threatening language, it’s likely you’ll be facing major pushback from them or, be given the cold shoulder.
The Solution
Our bodies are quite adept at alerting us that we’re heading into an angry state. but oftentimes, we ignore the signs. But paying attention to how and where these feelings first manifest physically can help couples avert a heated argument. For example, your shoulders might start to rise, your palms might become sweaty, or your hands may start to clench. Once you understand your body’s alert system, you can use that new-found awareness as your signal to refrain from engaging with your partner. Leave the room, go for a walk, take some deep breaths – whatever you need to do, to calm down. Once you feel more in control, then you can approach your partner.
It would also be helpful if you and your partner have an honest discussion about what kinds of words, tone, body language, and facial expressions sets each of you off. Then hopefully you will take this knowledge to heart and do your best to avoid those triggers. It’s a lot easier and healthier to do this than to pick up the pieces after an argument.
All couples can benefit from some strategies to help them in difficult moments. If you and your partner have hit a rough patch and could use some help from a couples therapist, I’d be happy to speak with you via email or phone.
